My Breast cancer journey
My husband told me often that I am just adding to my story. I told him that I am done adding to my story. I have been through enough. But, God had other plans for me....
Tomorrow is one step closer to closure for my Breast Cancer journey. I will be getting my port taken out of my chest that was used to administer my chemotherapy. I have hated it since day one. The "alien" has invaded my chest and I have major anxiety when I have to have it accessed. No matter how many times I have had it done, each time seems like the first. I about kissed my surgeons feet when he told me that I should go ahead and remove it. My oncologist was wanting me to keep it in for two years "just in case" I fell into the 21% for recurrence. It was not a good day when I heard those words... As I sit and ponder over what this means, my mind goes back to the very beginning. I remember sitting and thinking that this journey was never going to end. To some extent, it won't. I will forever be slave to check ups, doctors, and big machines. I was reading some of the posts that I made on Facebook when I was in the process of being diagnosed. It brought back so many thoughts, feelings, and memories. I remember sitting and typing the post that I made the day before my final diagnosis when I was at an all time emotional low: "Please keep me in your prayers. I know we go through trials in order to have a testimony on the flip side but I am ready to be on the other side of this mountain. Right now it looks like the top is lost in the clouds but He still continues to assure me that His protection is there and that I will be fine." I was scared out of my mind. I cried every single day, several times a day. I remember just a few days later having a Valentines Day party with my students, being in a daze all day, holding back my emotions and trying to hide the tears that seemed to freely flow at any given time. I was exhausted and emotionally drained. It seemed like that mountain was a million miles high. I could not see the top, much less the other side. At that time, I did not know if there was lymph node involvement. I was having major anxiety spells and thought for sure that the cancer had spread to my brain, lungs, stomach, bones, big toe, arms, legs, hair... (the struggle was real...lol). The fear of the unknown was NUTS!!! Now, look where I am... I am over a month out from a mammogram, two ultrasounds, a needle aspiration biopsy, a lumpectomy, a sentinel lymph node biopsy, port surgery, sixteen rounds of chemotherapy, and thirty-three rounds of radiation therapy. Whew! I did it... I did it.... I....DID....IT! Tomorrow marks closure and I REFUSE to live in fear. I will not sit and dwell anymore. My God promised me healing before I ever even started treatments. He gave me three words to dwell on, "Free, Clear, Gone". For me, the removal of this port symbolizes my faith in that promise. I know that I will never need it again. Those three words have been my lifeline throughout this entire process. Isaiah 41:10 states, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Psalms 91 promises me a place of refuge, protection, and rescue: 1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a] 2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” 3 Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. 4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. 8 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. 9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, 10 no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. 11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; 12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. 13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. 14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. 15 He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” Thank you Lord for your promises!
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I have seen so many posts on Facebook stating what my friends are thankful for. I normally don't participate in the month of November thankful for posts, mostly because I know I won't keep up with it, but also because there is so much I am thankful for on a daily basis and it is too hard to choose what to write about. But, today I feel led to share a few of them with you. This past year has been a tidal wave of ups and downs. But, even in the downs I was still able to find the positive buried deep within the struggles. When I was diagnosed back in February, it seemed like my world was falling apart. I vividly remember the day I received the phone call from my nurse that said, "They are not finished with the pathology reports yet, but they do believe that it IS cancer." My head started spinning, my heart fell to my feet, and every thought imaginable went through my head. I was at work that day. My students had just left so I immediately called my husband, packed up, and went home. When I walked through the door, he was there with open arms, grabbed ahold of me, and we just stood in my kitchen and sobbed together. I had no idea what to expect and had a HUGE fear of the unknown. It was this man that kept me grounded and did not let me fall into the abyss of pity and fear. Every time he would see me start to break down, which was daily, he would grab ahold of my face and just kiss my forehead until I calmed down. He made me sit, when I needed to sit, go to sleep when I was being stubborn and didn't want to give in, and showered me with so much affection that I had no choice but to melt into his arms and believe it was all going to be ok. I am beyond thankful for this man who has given me twenty-two years of love and guidance. I didn't have any idea how my children were going to take all of this. As soon as I came home from school that day and broke down, we sat my kids down and told them. My son's first question was, "Is it going to kill Mommy?" We all sat and cried together and continuously stressed that NO this cancer is NOT going to kill Mommy and we were going to do everything possible to make sure that it NEVER comes back. As I went through treatments, we tried to
And then there's all of my friends, family, and complete strangers that kept me grounded and smiling. From day ONE, I had an army on my side. I constantly receive messages, phone calls, pats, hugs, prayers from everyone plus some. I have story after story of how God used these people as a reminder that His love is HUGE. Again, I thank God for this season of my life because one of the key things that I learned through this is to LOVE, how to give AND how to receive. I saw first hand how my God loves me and how we are supposed to love one another. I was blown away by the generosity of, not only those who know me, but also those who don't. I don't have the time to sit down and tell all of them, but I promise to share them throughout my blog posts because they were some of the most instrumental parts of my learning experience. But, I love you all! Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. YOU have taught me what it means to be a faithful servant and how to simply love. This afternoon I went by to pick up a donation for the totes that I am filling for breast cancer patients. As I stood there and talked to the lady who gave so generously, I was reminded how God orchestrates EVERYTHING down to the last, tiny detail. Again, I am amazed.... Throughout my journey, I have continuously shared my amazement in how God has graciously taken care of me, molded me, and shown me His undeserving love. He has time and time again found ways to show me that He is at my right hand, carrying me through this journey and that it is ALL FOR A REASON. He has known since He created me that I would walk this path and has orchestrated the path for me to walk on...
I knew then that this was a blessing, but it wasn't until later in the year that I really understood the timing, significance, and orchestration that had occurred in me coming to this place. I finally understood why God had put me "on the move" over the past couple of years. It was February of that school year that I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was so distraught at the fact that I was in a brand new school, I was so happy there, and I feared that I was going to lose it all because of what was coming due to my illness. But, what I learned was that God put me with this work family for A REASON. And when I say "family", I mean co-workers, my students, their parents, my administrators....everybody. They ALL literally carried me through the rest of the school year as I went through surgeries, chemo, and complete, total physical exhaustion. It was then that I realized why I had lost my job just over a year earlier. He needed me here to be taken care of through this exact season of my life. This is where He wanted me to be to receive the love of Christ like no other. And, it was at that moment that I was able to let go of the ill effects of the rejection, anger, and hurt that had taken over my life. I forgave. I forgot. I loved and I still love.... Today, the lady told me that OVER A YEAR AGO, she had inquired about donating to the cause of Breast Cancer Awareness, but nothing came of it at that time. She said that she decided that she would pray about it and wait for God to provide the opportunity that He wanted her to give towards. That time came just a few weeks ago when a friend of mine, who is also a breast cancer survivor, helped to orchestrate the donation for my totes. As I listened to her tell me this story, tears came to my eyes as the light just keeps getting brighter and brighter as to how He works and orchestrates every last detail of every last thing. This song resonates through me as I thank God for how He has led me, even when I didn't realize it!
This morning, as I was sitting in church, pastor asked us to think back to where we were this time last year. My mind started delving back to the most terrifying moment of my entire life. It was exactly one year ago that I found a lump in my left breast. Me being my paranoid self kept second guessing myself and became obsessive over checking the lump fifty times a day just to talk myself out of the worst case scenario. I didn't even mention what I had found to my husband. I knew that I was getting ready to go see my doctor and had already decided to wait and see if he noticed it during my exam. When I went in for my annual check-up, I had a deep-centered knot in the pit of my stomach as he began my exam. As he streamed across the site of my lump, he did not notice it and gave me an all clear. I didn't mention it and again talked myself out of the worst case scenario.
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