My Breast cancer journey
My husband told me often that I am just adding to my story. I told him that I am done adding to my story. I have been through enough. But, God had other plans for me....
For the past few weeks, I have been asking God for guidance on what to blog about next. I was hearing nothing. It was like hearing a pin drop or crickets chirp and I was getting impatient because I want to write. I want to share so much that I have rolling around in my brain, but nothing was coming to me that felt solid. As I was driving home yesterday, it finally started to come to me. And, of course, it was in His perfect timing because it goes right along with what I have had to endure this past week.
As I was driving and thinking, the word "SURRENDER" kept coming to my mind and the question, How do we surrender in times of extreme fear? To many of us, this seems like a huge impossibility. To many of us, this is a sign of weakness or giving up. To me, it means that I have to take off my face of strength and show my vulnerability. Why do I have to do this? Why is this happening to me? I don't want to show my struggles. I DON"T WANNA! I want to show that I am "Fighting like a girl!" But it is not about what I don't want to do. It is going to all happen anyways. This question kept coming to me in my own time of major anxiety, tense shoulders, back, neck, anxiety pressure in my head, crying at the drop of a hat, irritable over nothing. Last week, I finally had to give in to my anxiety and go on medication to help me overcome the build up of questions, fears, what ifs....I was so dead set on doing all of this with my own strong self and, of course, with God's help. But, doing it on my own did not work. I had a friend encourage me saying, "This is not a sign of weakness. It is NORMAL after everything you have been through." Normal.....what is normal now? To me, it involves everything that causes fear and anxiety, a lifetime of what ifs. This is not the first time that the word SURRENDER has rattled my brain. I have posted already about the period of the unknown that a cancer survivor has to endure during the time of diagnosis. It is crippling and absolutely terrifying. I was miserable. All I knew was that I had heard the "C" word. Would I have to surrender to the "D" word, death? Had is spread? Am I going to lose my womanhood? How would my family respond? My daughter? How would she survive without her mother? (That one still brings me to my knees.) My first point of surrender was to surrender this season of my life to God. I had to trust that He had a plan for me and that He would take care of me. Honestly, this has been the easier part for me because I have a story. Within that story, He has shown me over and over again that He is here with me and is hearing my cries. I have put every bit of my faith into the promises God has given me for complete healing. Does fear still creep in? YES! We are human. As a matter of fact, it creeps in daily. This week was horrible and that is when the word SURRENDER began to creep into my mind. As we were sitting in the waiting room for my mammogram this past Monday, I was so scared. My husband grabbed ahold of me and let me cry. I told him that I felt like when I gave in to this fear and anxiety that I was telling God that I didn't have faith in his promises to me. It was hurting my heart so much that I couldn't bear it. My husband quickly reminded me that even Jesus had great, unrelenting fear. When He knew His crucifixion was drawing near, He begged God to spare Him. He screamed. He yelled. He begged. His anxiety and stress was so intense that He began to cry and sweat blood. He couldn't handle the pressure of knowing He was going to die. Fear is a normal element of our human makeup. It is ok to fear something. It is not ok to let it affect your everyday life and not live. When he began to quote this scripture, the light bulb came on and I realized that even though my fear is great, that doesn't mean that my faith in God has wavered because I know beyond shadow of a doubt that it has not. Surrender...Surrender...Surrender My second point of surrender was to surrender to the knowledge and skill my doctors. So many questions run through everyone's mind when we can't see the future, but when there is a cancer diagnosis, the questions come tenfold. Finding a balance between my questions, my thoughts, and my doctor's answers has been extremely difficult. I have had to talk myself off of the cliff many times. I will be honest in saying that surrendering to my doctors has not completely happened. Will it ever? I don't know. I will say that I have been blessed with a wonderful surgeon who is a Godly man and two absolutely amazing oncologists who are extremely encouraging and nurturing. Last January when I went into the diagnostics center for my mammogram, I came out with a fear beyond anything I had ever felt. The doctor that read my mammogram and ultrasound was cold and did not console me in any way after telling me that he saw what he thought could be cancer. He gave me this news and then just walked out of the room. This past week I had to face him again. I tried to push out the fear and emotions and ignore the anxieties that I knew were building. It seemed to me that all of the work that I have done to put all of my trust in my doctors was unraveled and I lost it. I cried before, during, and after my appointment. It took me hours to calm down. Even after being told that I was clear and everything was fine, in my mind, I still question: Do I believe him? Did he look close enough? Was he in too much of a hurry? Did he miss something? Why can't I totally trust him? Will this ever go away? I became angry after the technician left the room and I sobbed in anger of having to live my life like this. I am still working on this one.... Surrender....Surrender...Surrender My third point of surrender was to surrender to myself. By this, I mean my body and at times, my mind. Wow, this one is tough. How do I surrender in times of my greatest fears? I am most own worst enemy. Word of advice: Don't Google ANYTHING that has to do with your diagnosis! During my first four treatments, I really had a struggle with this. I had no energy. The chemo stripped me of everything, breath, energy, sleep, time with my kids, time with my husband, happiness, laughter....I wanted all of that back so bad. My husband knew when I needed to lie down and rest. I did too, but I wanted so much to be a part of everything that my normal life consisted of. I remember finally giving in and staying home during my daughter's volleyball tournaments and then during my son's baseball tournaments. This point of surrender brought sadness and tons of examination. Examination of everything...But, it was also my time to BE STILL. Time to rest and heal. Time to read, pray, and pray some more. This was when I learned the most about myself and about God's love, from Him and through others. I have learned to cherish and hold tight to this surrender and this is something that I still try to put into practice as I continue to heal. Surrendering is a big verb! Surrendering is one of the most difficult things to do in times of the unknown. It is excruciatingly painful to put ourselves out there for all to see, struggles and all. I encourage you to try. Try with all of your might. I promise you will open up a realm of yourself that you never knew existed and you will see yourself in a light of pure rawness. This is when the learning begins.
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Last night as I was sitting with friends waiting on midnight to arrive, I was thinking about what all this past year has brought me. From day one of the new year, it brought me tons of heartache, anxiety, and fear. In the beginning, I did not know how this year would unfold. Many questions filled my head as the struggle became reality. What was going to happen? What would I have to endure to make sure that I would survive a cancer diagnosis? How are my kids going to deal with this? How is my husband going to be strong enough to carry me through this? My daughter...my daughter...my daughter???? I want to see her grow up. I want to see her graduate, help her get through college, get married....I love both of my children to the moon and back, but for some reason, she was my worry. We are very close and I could not imagine the heartache it would cause her to lose her mother. She needs me. She needs her mother to help her through all of these walks of life. And, to think of the possibility of passing this horrible disease on to her... and then there was the ultimate question....Did it spread to other parts of my body and am I going to die? To be honest with you, I don't think that there is ever going to be a day that goes by that this question will not rise up and rear its ugly head.
Cried to God. You name it. I did it. I found myself falling, falling, falling. But I knew that I couldn't let myself hit rock bottom. That is not me. I am strong. I would not fall to weakness. I refused. So, I began thanking God. Thanking Him for being my Healer, for being my Father, and for carrying me through my journey. I completely handed my body and soul over to Him and TRUSTED that He would provide for me. I prayed for healing, strength, guidance, and renewed health every single day, several times a day. I found that when I took the time to BE STILL and listen, He began to speak to me, comfort me, and reveal to me how to deal with my struggles. One day as I was driving to work, I was feeling defeated. I began to pray and it felt as if someone was behind me, wrapping their arms around me in comfort. I was taken aback and just savored in the moment. There were many instances like these along with the promise of FREE, CLEAR, GONE. This promise is what I continue to hold on to as I move forward in 2016. 3. God's love is unfathomably spectacular! To me it was not shown only through Him, but also through friends, family and complete strangers. I am so blessed to have such a huge support system. I have received cards, words of encouragement, gifts of remembrance, and best of all, prayers upon prayers. I have felt so unworthy, but yet I have seen God's love grow and grow into something beautiful and fulfilling. Many times throughout the past year, I have felt alone and abandoned, not because I really was, but because I was stuck at home and in my bed where I did not want to be. It took me a while to let go and let people help me and do for me. I have always been so independent. It was hard for me to let someone else carrying my burdens. I have story after story of ways God used these people to remind me that He is by my side, helping me through this. One day I received a message from an old friend that I haven't seen in years. She was praying for me and was urged to remind me of when God healed my womb so that I could have my babies (which is another part of "My Story" that I will share later on.). He informed me (through her) that He healed me then and He WILL do it again. I didn't think anyone besides me, my husband, and our dear friends that prayed for us that night even remembered that. But, I was wrong. Wow!! Just wow!! My constant question is, "How do I deserve such gracious, wondrous love?" 4. Don't take anything for granted, most of all, family, friends, good health, and every day that you are given to live. Any of these things can be taken from you at an instant. It is so easy to get wrapped up in daily living and the woes of life that we forget to savor and cherish what we do have. Don't get caught up in the drama life brings, but take ONE DAY AT A TIME and live it to the fullest with those who love you and care about you. Let go of the negative and embrace the positive. Negativity can bring down everything about you and cause you to miss out on what is really important. 2015 has been a year that I will never forget. I can't say that I would do it all over again, because that is so not true, but I will say that there hasn't been an experience that even begins to compare. I will take what I was given and will continue to draw from it as a learning experience. I now ready to take ahold of 2016 and embrace a new year of renewed health, healing, and positive memories! **I want to share this video with you of when I sang at the Good Friday service at my church. It was the week after my first chemo treatment and the last service that I was able to attend for several weeks because of my weakness. As I was sitting and writing this blog post, I flipped over to watch a video of my son that my husband posted this morning. This video happened to pop up that he had shared nine months ago as I began my journey with chemo treatments. I sat and listened to it again and could not help but to let the tears fall. I remember this night so well. It was at one of my lowest points. I didn't even have the energy to stand up much less sing. But, I did it anyways because I wanted to be a part of such a wonderful serene moment in remembering how Jesus died on the cross for us. As I was singing that night, I was overcome by the thought of how wondrous His love really is and I began to sob from my inner core. I have never felt anything like it. It was such an intense moment of pain and mourning yet proclamation. In my times of low, He has taught me how wondrous His love is and how to "sing on....", no matter what.
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