My Breast cancer journey
My husband told me often that I am just adding to my story. I told him that I am done adding to my story. I have been through enough. But, God had other plans for me....
This is the face of an angel. A year and a half ago as I was going through chemotherapy we were able to get away for a few days and come down to our timeshare in Orlando so that I could get out of the house for a little bit. We decided to run through the Chick-fil-a drive thru to grab dinner before settling in for the evening. Riley just happened to be standing in the drive thru line taking orders as we went through. I was in the passenger side, bald head and all and not feeling too good. I noticed that as soon as we had placed our order with her, she turned and disappeared into the building but I didn't think anything of it. When we got up to the window, Dwayne tried to hand the employee his card to pay but we were told that our food had been taken care of. After some prodding, we were told that Riley had paid for our dinner. When we got back to our place, my husband and I talked and decided to call Chick-fil-a to thank her and to tell her manager about her amazing act of kindness so that he knew what a jewel that he had. Dwayne placed the call and had them put her on the line and then he handed the phone to me. I asked her if this was something that she did periodically and she proceeded to tell me, "No. I felt like God spoke to me and told me that I needed to pay for your meal. So, I did." I was so overwhelmed. I had been trying so hard to be the encourager and inspiration to all of those watching me fight my battle and I was utterly exhausted. I immediately began sobbing on the phone and told her my story. I thanked her for being a blessing to me that evening and that it was exactly what I needed. I knew God had placed her in that position at that exact moment to remind me that He was watching and that He was in control. A gentle reminder through an amazing act of kindness. She told me that she would be praying for me as I fight my battle.
Fast forward to today....We have been in there many times since then but I could never find her. I knew that she still worked there last time we went but she wasn't working that day. Today, as I was walking out, I noticed her sitting at a table during her lunch break. I walked past her, quietly debating in my head whether or not I should say anything, arguing with myself that she wouldn't remember me. When we got to the car, I mentioned to Dwayne and my in-laws that that was the girl. Dwayne immediately told me to get out of the car and to go talk to her. So...I did. As I revealed who I was, her face lit up. She even said that she remembered me calling her after we had left to thank her and I confirmed it. Her immediate response was that it was all God. Again, I thanked her profusely for turning the tables on me that day and for providing me with a much needed blessing. The thing that struck me the most about our conversation was that she told me that she has been praying for me since that day. She said that anytime I came to mind, she prayed. She then asked me if she could hug me. Of course I told her yes and we got this picture together. It is amazing how God works. He used this sweet angel to bless me at a time of greatest need. Today was a reminder that when God speaks to your heart to do something for someone, do it. You never know what they are dealing with and how a simple act of kindness can touch someone just as much as she touched me.
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As the six month mark approaches, my anxiety builds as I await my next scan. What will they see? What will they find? Is it back? I have heard that it comes back with a vengence. What will I do if they find something? Where will they find it? It is almost like a movie on a constant loop in my brain and I can't shut it off. Two weeks ago yesterday was D-Day and this time I had to undergo a new type of scan, the MRI with contrast. All I have had in the past are mammograms and ultrasounds. Weeks before my appointment, the movie in my brain began to play and the knots in my stomach began to form. Do you ever have moments when you have a gut feeling that things aren't going to go as smoothly as you hope for? I had that feeling deep, down in my gut and in the far corners of my mind. I had a funny feeling that I wouldn't be hearing the all clear proclamation at this scan. I was trying to convince myself that it was my mind playing tricks on me. Lord knows, it likes to do that quite often, using the vice of fear and anxiety. I had heard horror stories of the dreaded, closed MRI machine. I am very claustrophobic and had anxiety about being in an enclosed space on top of the anxiety of finding a recurrence of my cancer. I knew that this type of scan can see more than the typical mammogram and ultrasound. I was worrying myself sick.
not even minutes later. But, this stuck with me. I couldn't shake it. And, it was in this that I knew it was from Him. Oh, the ways that He held me, encouraged me, carried me through every part of this journey. It was simply amazing. The love of Christ was truly exhibited in abundance as I lived out some of the darkest days of my life. And that is what gave me the courage and strength to push through the depression, pain, and exhaustion of the battle. Knowing and wholeheartedly believing this promise that was given to me, you would think that I would be confident in knowing that I am going to be just fine. But, I struggle. I struggle HUGE. As I was preparing for this MRI scan, an internal battle was going on in my inner being. I felt so guilty for being scared. I feared that I was totally doubting everything that God had promised me. And more than that, I was afraid that the doubt in my mind would make Him recant on His promises. But, I know that that is not how my God works. Over and over, I have heard how God is a man of His word. He doesn't waiver. He is a God of fulfillment. So, why do I let myself doubt Him. And then it hit me. I am human. It is as simple as that. I am human and HE KNOWS THAT. Just like an earthly father, He is there to pick up the pieces of our earthly fears and to hold and comfort us when our human minds have driven us into a land of.....humanness. A friend said it in such a beautiful way as I was sharing these exact thoughts with her the other day. She said that we are not doubting God's promises. We are reacting to our human fears and anxieties and that is when we need to call on Him to help rid ourselves of our human nature. THAT IS WHAT HE IS THERE FOR! That is His purpose. He KNOWS that we are scared. He knows that fear drives us in situations such as these. But, it is only through Him that we can find total and complete peace. And, I found that....by praying. I prayed hard for Him to take this from me, to calm my anxieties of recurrence and claustrophobia. And, that is exactly what He did. As I went in for my scan, I was fairly calm. They laid me belly down in the machine and placed my arms so that I couldn't feel the machine around me. They had a mirror that was pointed straight at the windows leading outside so it looked as if I was simply looking out the window. Not once did my claustrophobia arise. I was relaxed and never knew how close I really was to the walls around me. When I came out, the technician told me that I could talk to the radiologist if I wanted to wait. Of course I said yes. I needed answers right then or else the anxiety would begin to build again. The doctor took me into his office and I was surrounded by screens that showed all of my past scans as well as my new ones. I could tell that he had been studying and comparing my breast images. He sat me down and began to talk through my new scans. He started with my left, treated breast and showed me that it was perfectly clear and showed no signs of recurrence. Then, I heard the words, "On the other hand...." He went over to the right breast and began to show me an area that the contrast had "enhanced" on my scan. The only word that I really injested was "abnormal". And, there went the little voice in my head. It was screaming, "I told you so...." He went on to explain that he did not see a mass of any kind but went through a list of possible causes, one being In Situ breast cancer. This is the beginning stages of a new cancer. Other causes could range anywhere from hormonal changes to inflammation. He requested that I come in the following week for an ultrasound and a possible biopsy. ANNNND...the mind tricks began.......again. Throughout the week, various scenarios played out in my head, one being, cut them off and be done with it. I began to get angry again that I would have to deal with this throughout my entire life. I had already began discussing with my husband that if this was a new cancer, I would immediately ask for a bilateral mastectomy. He was so supportive and told me that he loves me for me and if this is what is going to give me peace, then do it. I had my mind made up. I knew that this is what would be the next step if I had a new cancer diagnosis. The following week, my husband and I went together to follow up with an ultrasound. We had been taken back to one of their 3,000 waiting rooms to wait for the technician to take me back when my husband made eye contact with me and I was done playing strong. He grabbed ahold of my head and pulled me close and I fought back the inner demon of the ugly cry. We sat there for quite a while and I worked to calm myself down. As I was sitting there, I noticed a copy of the HealthScope magazine sitting on the table across the waiting room. I opened it up to find my story of survival printed in the magazine and began thinking how ironic it was that I was sitting there possibly facing a new journey....that I didn't want to be any part of.
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