My Breast cancer journey
My husband told me often that I am just adding to my story. I told him that I am done adding to my story. I have been through enough. But, God had other plans for me....
A lot of thoughts have traveled through my mind over these past few weeks as I am approaching the one year mark of when all of this craziness started. My family and I go to Orlando every Christmas season to spend time together. It is a place that we hold dear to our hearts. It symbolizes a place of comfort, peace, love, and relaxation. Last year at this time, I knew my lump was there but had pushed it to the back of my mind for a while so that I could enjoy my Christmas season. My husband and I had talked about it and I knew that when we returned home, I was going to have to confront it face to face and have my doctor look at it. Just a few days after the new year I was scheduled to go in and talk to my OB-GYN about some lab work that I had had done. I had already talked myself into taking this moment to have him feel the lump and see what he thought it may be.
I remember that day oh so well.... I had gone back and forth over the past couple of months over whether or not this was something to be concerned about. There is a lump there...there isn't a lump there...I feel it...maybe I don't feel it....I was sitting in the lobby of the doctor's office, sick to my stomach from nerves. I can't totally put into words the way that I felt. I think I knew deep down that it wasn't good, but I was hoping for any consolation possible from him so that I wouldn't obsess over it and lose my mind. I went into the exam room and was pep talking myself so that I wouldn't chicken out of telling him about the lump. I was shaking and internally arguing with myself. As he came into the room to talk to me, I pushed the words forward and told him that I needed him to check this out for me. He examined me and told me that by the way it felt, he thought that it was just a benign cyst. He went ahead and scheduled a mammogram and ultrasound and was extremely reassuring that I didn't need to worry. Two weeks later I was in the diagnostic center getting my mammogram and ultrasound and it all began to become reality. The doctor there that read my ultrasound was very cold and quick. He pulled no punches. They handed me brochures about biopsy procedures and sent me straight over to my surgeon's office to schedule a biopsy of the mass. After I went over and got the date set, I remember sitting in the parking lot, calling my husband, scared out of my mind. To that point, I had not made a big deal out of everything and went to all of my visits on my own, but at that moment, I told him that he would have to come with me to the rest of my appointments because it was getting really scary. And, of course, he did. Just a few days later, I had the biopsy done and it came back clear...yes, I said CLEAR. We went ahead and decided to remove the mass anyways because it could obstruct the view of future masses that could develop. On February 5th, I had the mass removed, not realizing that my life was getting ready to come to a screeching halt and change forever. A week to the day, after calling and calling for the pathology report, I received a phone call at work from my nurse. Her first words were, "Where are you? Do you want the news over the phone?" I told her yes and at that moment before she even had to say anything more, I knew.... "Pathology is pretty sure that it is cancer. They are running a few more tests, but are fairly certain that your mass is cancerous." I packed up and went home.... The unknown was staring me right in the face, eye to eye. The inside of my head was a static mess. Every now and then I would hear reality trying to communicate with me, but I couldn't focus. I couldn't speak clearly. I wasn't thinking clearly due to fear and anxiety. I was miserable. My husband would look at me and I would cry, not once, but several times a day. The darkest hour of my journey was sitting on my shoulders and suffocating me. But, little did I know, that one of the greatest learning experiences was ahead of me. A quote from the book , What Cancer Cannot Do by Phyllis Ten Elshof, stood out to me today as I was reading. It said: "Life in God's reign is kaleidoscopic in nature. We try in vain to picture life's next scene, while grace is at work resetting the stage." Philip Gulley One year ago, I was an emotional mess. Today, I am a changed woman. I have learned how to take lemons and make lemonade. I have learned to look at the negative and find the positive. I have learned that no matter who we are and what we have done, God LOVES us and will carry us through anything. Did I want cancer?? NO! But, I can honestly say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this journey is supposed to be used as a huge part of my testimony and, now that I am on the other side of the sidewalk, it is my job is to share it.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
December 2016
Categories |