My Breast cancer journey
My husband told me often that I am just adding to my story. I told him that I am done adding to my story. I have been through enough. But, God had other plans for me....
Last night as I was sitting with friends waiting on midnight to arrive, I was thinking about what all this past year has brought me. From day one of the new year, it brought me tons of heartache, anxiety, and fear. In the beginning, I did not know how this year would unfold. Many questions filled my head as the struggle became reality. What was going to happen? What would I have to endure to make sure that I would survive a cancer diagnosis? How are my kids going to deal with this? How is my husband going to be strong enough to carry me through this? My daughter...my daughter...my daughter???? I want to see her grow up. I want to see her graduate, help her get through college, get married....I love both of my children to the moon and back, but for some reason, she was my worry. We are very close and I could not imagine the heartache it would cause her to lose her mother. She needs me. She needs her mother to help her through all of these walks of life. And, to think of the possibility of passing this horrible disease on to her... and then there was the ultimate question....Did it spread to other parts of my body and am I going to die? To be honest with you, I don't think that there is ever going to be a day that goes by that this question will not rise up and rear its ugly head.
Cried to God. You name it. I did it. I found myself falling, falling, falling. But I knew that I couldn't let myself hit rock bottom. That is not me. I am strong. I would not fall to weakness. I refused. So, I began thanking God. Thanking Him for being my Healer, for being my Father, and for carrying me through my journey. I completely handed my body and soul over to Him and TRUSTED that He would provide for me. I prayed for healing, strength, guidance, and renewed health every single day, several times a day. I found that when I took the time to BE STILL and listen, He began to speak to me, comfort me, and reveal to me how to deal with my struggles. One day as I was driving to work, I was feeling defeated. I began to pray and it felt as if someone was behind me, wrapping their arms around me in comfort. I was taken aback and just savored in the moment. There were many instances like these along with the promise of FREE, CLEAR, GONE. This promise is what I continue to hold on to as I move forward in 2016. 3. God's love is unfathomably spectacular! To me it was not shown only through Him, but also through friends, family and complete strangers. I am so blessed to have such a huge support system. I have received cards, words of encouragement, gifts of remembrance, and best of all, prayers upon prayers. I have felt so unworthy, but yet I have seen God's love grow and grow into something beautiful and fulfilling. Many times throughout the past year, I have felt alone and abandoned, not because I really was, but because I was stuck at home and in my bed where I did not want to be. It took me a while to let go and let people help me and do for me. I have always been so independent. It was hard for me to let someone else carrying my burdens. I have story after story of ways God used these people to remind me that He is by my side, helping me through this. One day I received a message from an old friend that I haven't seen in years. She was praying for me and was urged to remind me of when God healed my womb so that I could have my babies (which is another part of "My Story" that I will share later on.). He informed me (through her) that He healed me then and He WILL do it again. I didn't think anyone besides me, my husband, and our dear friends that prayed for us that night even remembered that. But, I was wrong. Wow!! Just wow!! My constant question is, "How do I deserve such gracious, wondrous love?" 4. Don't take anything for granted, most of all, family, friends, good health, and every day that you are given to live. Any of these things can be taken from you at an instant. It is so easy to get wrapped up in daily living and the woes of life that we forget to savor and cherish what we do have. Don't get caught up in the drama life brings, but take ONE DAY AT A TIME and live it to the fullest with those who love you and care about you. Let go of the negative and embrace the positive. Negativity can bring down everything about you and cause you to miss out on what is really important. 2015 has been a year that I will never forget. I can't say that I would do it all over again, because that is so not true, but I will say that there hasn't been an experience that even begins to compare. I will take what I was given and will continue to draw from it as a learning experience. I now ready to take ahold of 2016 and embrace a new year of renewed health, healing, and positive memories! **I want to share this video with you of when I sang at the Good Friday service at my church. It was the week after my first chemo treatment and the last service that I was able to attend for several weeks because of my weakness. As I was sitting and writing this blog post, I flipped over to watch a video of my son that my husband posted this morning. This video happened to pop up that he had shared nine months ago as I began my journey with chemo treatments. I sat and listened to it again and could not help but to let the tears fall. I remember this night so well. It was at one of my lowest points. I didn't even have the energy to stand up much less sing. But, I did it anyways because I wanted to be a part of such a wonderful serene moment in remembering how Jesus died on the cross for us. As I was singing that night, I was overcome by the thought of how wondrous His love really is and I began to sob from my inner core. I have never felt anything like it. It was such an intense moment of pain and mourning yet proclamation. In my times of low, He has taught me how wondrous His love is and how to "sing on....", no matter what.
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