My Breast cancer journey
My husband told me often that I am just adding to my story. I told him that I am done adding to my story. I have been through enough. But, God had other plans for me....
As the six month mark approaches, my anxiety builds as I await my next scan. What will they see? What will they find? Is it back? I have heard that it comes back with a vengence. What will I do if they find something? Where will they find it? It is almost like a movie on a constant loop in my brain and I can't shut it off. Two weeks ago yesterday was D-Day and this time I had to undergo a new type of scan, the MRI with contrast. All I have had in the past are mammograms and ultrasounds. Weeks before my appointment, the movie in my brain began to play and the knots in my stomach began to form. Do you ever have moments when you have a gut feeling that things aren't going to go as smoothly as you hope for? I had that feeling deep, down in my gut and in the far corners of my mind. I had a funny feeling that I wouldn't be hearing the all clear proclamation at this scan. I was trying to convince myself that it was my mind playing tricks on me. Lord knows, it likes to do that quite often, using the vice of fear and anxiety. I had heard horror stories of the dreaded, closed MRI machine. I am very claustrophobic and had anxiety about being in an enclosed space on top of the anxiety of finding a recurrence of my cancer. I knew that this type of scan can see more than the typical mammogram and ultrasound. I was worrying myself sick.
not even minutes later. But, this stuck with me. I couldn't shake it. And, it was in this that I knew it was from Him. Oh, the ways that He held me, encouraged me, carried me through every part of this journey. It was simply amazing. The love of Christ was truly exhibited in abundance as I lived out some of the darkest days of my life. And that is what gave me the courage and strength to push through the depression, pain, and exhaustion of the battle. Knowing and wholeheartedly believing this promise that was given to me, you would think that I would be confident in knowing that I am going to be just fine. But, I struggle. I struggle HUGE. As I was preparing for this MRI scan, an internal battle was going on in my inner being. I felt so guilty for being scared. I feared that I was totally doubting everything that God had promised me. And more than that, I was afraid that the doubt in my mind would make Him recant on His promises. But, I know that that is not how my God works. Over and over, I have heard how God is a man of His word. He doesn't waiver. He is a God of fulfillment. So, why do I let myself doubt Him. And then it hit me. I am human. It is as simple as that. I am human and HE KNOWS THAT. Just like an earthly father, He is there to pick up the pieces of our earthly fears and to hold and comfort us when our human minds have driven us into a land of.....humanness. A friend said it in such a beautiful way as I was sharing these exact thoughts with her the other day. She said that we are not doubting God's promises. We are reacting to our human fears and anxieties and that is when we need to call on Him to help rid ourselves of our human nature. THAT IS WHAT HE IS THERE FOR! That is His purpose. He KNOWS that we are scared. He knows that fear drives us in situations such as these. But, it is only through Him that we can find total and complete peace. And, I found that....by praying. I prayed hard for Him to take this from me, to calm my anxieties of recurrence and claustrophobia. And, that is exactly what He did. As I went in for my scan, I was fairly calm. They laid me belly down in the machine and placed my arms so that I couldn't feel the machine around me. They had a mirror that was pointed straight at the windows leading outside so it looked as if I was simply looking out the window. Not once did my claustrophobia arise. I was relaxed and never knew how close I really was to the walls around me. When I came out, the technician told me that I could talk to the radiologist if I wanted to wait. Of course I said yes. I needed answers right then or else the anxiety would begin to build again. The doctor took me into his office and I was surrounded by screens that showed all of my past scans as well as my new ones. I could tell that he had been studying and comparing my breast images. He sat me down and began to talk through my new scans. He started with my left, treated breast and showed me that it was perfectly clear and showed no signs of recurrence. Then, I heard the words, "On the other hand...." He went over to the right breast and began to show me an area that the contrast had "enhanced" on my scan. The only word that I really injested was "abnormal". And, there went the little voice in my head. It was screaming, "I told you so...." He went on to explain that he did not see a mass of any kind but went through a list of possible causes, one being In Situ breast cancer. This is the beginning stages of a new cancer. Other causes could range anywhere from hormonal changes to inflammation. He requested that I come in the following week for an ultrasound and a possible biopsy. ANNNND...the mind tricks began.......again. Throughout the week, various scenarios played out in my head, one being, cut them off and be done with it. I began to get angry again that I would have to deal with this throughout my entire life. I had already began discussing with my husband that if this was a new cancer, I would immediately ask for a bilateral mastectomy. He was so supportive and told me that he loves me for me and if this is what is going to give me peace, then do it. I had my mind made up. I knew that this is what would be the next step if I had a new cancer diagnosis. The following week, my husband and I went together to follow up with an ultrasound. We had been taken back to one of their 3,000 waiting rooms to wait for the technician to take me back when my husband made eye contact with me and I was done playing strong. He grabbed ahold of my head and pulled me close and I fought back the inner demon of the ugly cry. We sat there for quite a while and I worked to calm myself down. As I was sitting there, I noticed a copy of the HealthScope magazine sitting on the table across the waiting room. I opened it up to find my story of survival printed in the magazine and began thinking how ironic it was that I was sitting there possibly facing a new journey....that I didn't want to be any part of.
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